He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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