a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
