your parents love me but you hate me
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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