i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
