I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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