i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
