I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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