so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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