shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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