someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
