plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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