Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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