Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
