allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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