Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
