Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
