So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They have beer where we have blood.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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