Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
