took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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