now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
