don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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