yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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