if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
