I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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