I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
