how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
