thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
