you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize