is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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