i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
