he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
