you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
the liver wants what the liver wants
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
