weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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