I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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