I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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