It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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