why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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