So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
