The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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