Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
