i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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