I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
