I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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