Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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