also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
