Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
