I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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