I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
