i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
