'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
