How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize