I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
