We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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