So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just had sex bonerless
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
