U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize