I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize