my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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