More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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